The Black Crowes – Warpaint

Let me be the first to say it.

This year in music is off to a slow start. While last year was one of the best years for new music in a long time (mostly due to Radiohead, Wilco, Iron and Wine, Ryan Adams and Feist, all releasing some absolutely sick material), this year there is nothing even on the horizon that immediately jumps out at me as something to be overly excited about.

Maybe Portishead in April.

The artists who made last year great can all but be ruled out for contributing any new material to aid us in our quest for musical inspiration. And all of that is concerning for a music junkie. Basically what I am saying is that this is my first review of the year and even though I have been busy with some other very important endevours, I will still normally write if inspired to do so. The point being that there just hasn’t been jack-shit out there yet as far as new releases go.

With that said, the most interesting music news to date, has to be Maxim’s complete fuck up on the new Black Crowes album Warpaint. As you certainly already know, Maxim took it upon themselves to review the album after only hearing one song. They explained that it was an educated guess, giving the new album only two and a half stars. Wow. Wow.

Upon hearing this news I was completely disgusted. I mean what kind of worthless morons has Maxim been employing? And I haven’t heard of anyone getting fired over this either, which means that they are actually ok with all of this. Even the apology seems to have been completely mishandled by Maxim as they apologized through the media and not directly to the band. The Black Crowes have been openly pissed off by the whole event, and rightly so.

Just imagine that you have spent a few solid months creating an album, just to have some no name loser tear it apart, without even hearing it. It’s a little more than disturbing. Still, I wonder if the Black Crowes would have cared if Maxim had given them five stars instead of two and half. I seriously doubt it.

My advice… the next time you pick up a magazine and start reading music reviews, remember The Black Crowes. I suggest finding all your music reviews online from people like me, who do this for free and have no ulterior motives for doing so.

So finally, what about the album? I mean what kind of “blogger” would I be to not fully review the album at this point?

Warpaint, it’s a fitting title considering the battle it has been through even before being released. Let me first speak honestly to the fact that I am not a Black Crowes fan. I suppose I could best be described as indifferent about them.

While there is no doubt that they have created a couple classics during their musical career, the real question for me is not about how this album compares to their other albums. The question is whether the damn thing is worth listening to more than once. For me there is a standard measurement I use for whether I dig a new album or not, and it’s simple.

Is my mind getting blown while I am listening to it?

See, I am looking for moments in music that capture me and give me no other choice than to connect with it. I am looking for something to inspire me and make me stop, forget about myself and just be consumed by someone else’s imagination. It’s not a science. It’s subjective. On that note, I’ll move on to the actual review of this here album.

Warpaint opens up with “Goodbye Daughters of the Revolution”, a twangy southern classic rock track that is the Black Crowes. For me, it failed to excite in almost every way. Not a good way to begin. At this point in music, if you are going to write a tune like that, it better make people’s jaws drop or it’s just a waster of all our time. We’ve heard it before.

The second track “Walk Believer Walk” however, takes a slower more bluesy approach that actually proves much more successful. Reminiscent of Led Zeppelin, there is actually not much to this track… it’s just done well. The ballad “Oh Josephine” follows that up and in doing so, bored me to death. There was nothing even mildly compelling for me about this song, so I won’t bother spending much time on it.

“Evergreen” opens up with a thicker guitar and seems promising at first, but it falls short quickly by following in the footsteps of again, what has been done so many times before. Mid-way through they break it down, which catches my attention for a minute but unfortunately looses it as the song ends up slipping back into it’s own footsteps. The next track “We Who See the Deep” is solid, mostly because there is more going on musically than the other tracks. Still, I see a pattern forming here that doesn’t look good for the rest of the album.

“Locust Street” is a country ballad that definitely inspired me, it inspired me to go and listen to some Ryan Adams once I’m done with reviewing this album. “Movin’ On Down the Line”, while slapped with a completely unoriginal title and lyrics, proves to be my favorite track thus far as it at least attempts to leave the box that these tracks all seem to be trapped in.

“Wounded Bird” falls right back into the same mold that these songs have all been apparently birthed from. I wanted to stop listening to the song half way through but forced myself to endure it, otherwise how could I continue to talk shit about Maxim without being a complete hypocrite. “Gods Got It” is funny and for that reason I can say I enjoyed it. Nothing special going on here though, just letting people know that god’s got money and everything else that you need. Not like we didn’t know this already, still I found it humorous.

“There’s Gold in Them Hills” is a slow track that drags along a bit and then pulls itself up and takes a seat at the bar in some southern saloon before dragging itself back down again. Not terribly inspring. The final track “Whoa Mule” starts up with some vocals and a snappy drum, followed by a harmonica. It gets into a groove and stays there pulling off yet another tune that cannot be classified as neither good nor bad. During the last two tracks it occurred to me that this is the type of album that is much better after four or five beers. That’s right, beer goggles have multiple uses.

While the obvious musical ability of these guys is not in question, the fact remains that my mind is completely unblown. Unfortunately, I am forced to conclude that Maxim, actually guessed right. Nice guess Maxim, right on the money. Amazing. Two-Point-Five Stars. It doesn’t excuse the fact that those pencil-pushing-numb-nuts over at Maxim never even heard the album before reviewing it. But it does make me laugh.

It also reinforces the fact that if you are getting your music reviews from Maxim, you should consider having your fucking head examined. But more than that, it clearly shows that people should be getting their music reviews online, from people who actually care and do this shit for free, having no conflicts of interests. It only makes sense. Or better yet… just listen for yourself and make up your own damn mind.

Thank You. Good Night. And Remember… Trust No One.

~ by mughead on March 4, 2008.